Thursday, July 22, 2010

meet my dad - The Lion...

i wish i could say my childhood was a happy one. i wish i could tell stories about having this great dad who loved me and took care of me. i wish i could tell you of a dad who gave his children unconditional love and devotion. the kind of love my husband has for our two children...
but sadly it cannot be. i know one is not supposed to speak ill of the dead. but i feel i have to give the complete picture here. i suppose i could sum up things in one image: the image of my mom driving home with us kids in the car. as we would come up the driveway to our house, she'd say: "Well kids, we must brace ourselves! it's time to return to the lion's den."

i wish i could tell you stories of my happy german childhood. a childhood filled with laughter and great joy. could tell of hours spent sewing, knitting, and crafting by the warm hearth. engaging in wonderful conversations about literature while listening to great german classical music. well, there was all of that too. but then there was the other side...can there really be no light without darkness?

i have racked my brain a million times. how did this sweet looking six-year-old boy, the dashing 17-year old, you see in these pictures turn into an abuser? my dad was beautiful and very smart. why could he not live his promise?

6 comments:

sewinghappyplace said...

Having weathered a few "storms" myself, my heart breaks for you, your family, and your dad.

I can so relate to looking at those early pictures and wondering what changed.

woolies said...

ah Ulla, that makes me sad. My childhood was far from picture perfect - alcholic Dad, my parents unhappy marriage...I don't really know too many people that had that idyllic childhood.
The best thing to do is to forgive him.

xxoo
hugs to you

germandolls said...

I have been trying very hard to forgive my dad for the abuse and terrible beatings he administered to us. I know he had a lot of anger in him. But forgiveness while he was alive never worked. He'd just come back and hurt me all over again...I hope and pray all the time that in his passing he has finally come to a place of understanding and peace with this world. I guess my prayers for him do mean that I have forgiven him! I pray there is no anger where he dwells now!

LittleElf said...

Hugs to you Ulla, I'm so sorry you had to go through such a thing.

More hugs,
Elfie ^_^

dragonflyducky said...

A happy childhood is a gift that is carried throughout life....and sorely missed when not experienced. It's a sadness that I carry too. But we are giving that gift to our children and are so blessed that we get to share in it. I think that making wonderful memories with our kids will push out most of the bad ones from our childhoods....and then one day we will hopefully get even more fun with our grandkids!

Britta said...

Hi Ulla,

my own sentiments here are, that in such cases, the ones to feel sorry for - next to the victims of such abuse - are the perpetrators themselves. And not only, because they do not realize what they are missing and screwing up in their own and their family's life. Often, they simply transfer their own pain and afflict it on others. So, my guess is that your dad had his own bundle of sorrows to carry around. This is mere speculation and maybe grossly unfair, but your dad was uncommonly good looking. Have you ever thought that maybe he was not made for marriage (being my kind way of saying maybe he married too young to be aware of his sexuality)... Often, particularly in this generation, the bitterness that comes from a late realization and added sense of guilt, shock, and wanting "it" to not ever get it out, led to men becoming uncommonly and uncalled for abusers... This is not to say that I sympathize with these men more than with the victims of their abuse, but, particularly in this generation, people grew up so strict and repressed that often the only way out was to kick the weaker ones, wives, kids etc.... And I agree with Woolies. The best is to fogive and be happy that you and your husband are able to provide a stable home to your cute children. Don't be bitter about the past, it won't lead anywhere...